Reasons For Why I’d Be The Most Boring “Bachelor” Contestant Ever

By this point, I know we all have a love-hate relationship with The Bachelor. If you’re like me, you’ve probably even wondered what it’d be like to be on it. Well truth be told, I’d hate it and here are my reasons why.

Reasons why I'd be the most boring Bachelor contestant ever
First of all, the only way I’d even agree to be on that show is if I lost a bet to someone–more specifically, one of the producers because I ain’t going through any auditions.

(Auditions imply I’d not only be interested in being on the show, but that I also wouldn’t mind being being examined like some animal at the state fair.)

Upon arriving at a destination, the last thing if do is marvel at the hotel room (like practically every contestant does every season) because it takes more than pretty furniture I’d have to share with catty strangers to impress me.

If the Bachelor’s baby mama is still in the picture (I’m talking to you, Juan Pablo), don’t even think I’ll want to share that picture.

On the hometown dates, my parents will spend their entire time lamenting what they did wrong to deserve a daughter who doesn’t consider herself worthy of a man’s SOLE attention and love.

Along those lines, they’ll also be wondering how I dared to waste my education (and resulting career) to be on such show.

My mom will charm his socks off with her attitude and food, though, so maybe it won’t be so bad for him.

Still, that Bachelor will have mixed feelings and the producers will be like, “Shiz, finally some parents with some common sense! Crap… Now what?”

For the fantasy suite date, I’ll ask for two rooms–or at least two beds…in separate rooms. He and I can talk and kiss a bit and then I’ll leave the rest up to his imagination because I’ll be in my own bed down the hall all safe and sound.

I’ll want plenty of alone time. Instead of wasting time with the other “girls,” I’ll be enjoying my books and shows far away from them.

“Can I get a water?” would be my motto because I don’t drink.

Now that I think about it, alcohol is what makes those gals act super nuts and what makes us enjoy the show so much, so see? I’d be sane (read: boring) 100% of the time.

And there you have it: My reasons for why I’d be the most boring Bachelor contestant you’ll have ever met. Have you ever wondered about being on the show? Why would you or wouldn’t you like to be on it?

Original Image Courtesy of ABC All Access.

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